Todd Schnetz

(Sorry there’s no pictures for this one…though when you read what this poem is about, there’s a chance you may not want them.)

Todd Schnetz shaved his eyebrows

Todd Schnetz shaved his legs

Todd Schnetz filled his backpack

Up with rotten eggs

Todd Schnetz took three girls

To the Winter Dance

Todd Schnetz went to English

Without any pants

Todd Schnetz licked a trash can

Todd Schnetz ate live bait

Todd Schnetz asked Coach Piedmont

To go out on a date

Todd Schnetz went a week

Without taking showers

Todd Schnetz wore handcuffs

For forty-eight straight hours

Todd wore a kilt in winter

A scuba suit in spring

A wedding dress in math class

Complete with diamond ring

There is no bigger loser

That I know of than Todd Schnetz

Which is why I wonder

Why he keeps taking bets

Some people have mentioned that they don’t get this poem. I’ll explain it for those who are confused. Todd Schnetz keeps losing bets with other people and has to do crazy things as a consequence of losing. For example, let’s say someone says, “Hey Todd, I bet I can beat you in a race. Loser has to shave their eyebrows.” And Todd goes, “You’re on!” and then loses…repeatedly. Also, yes, Todd Schnetz is hard to say and read. So this is sort of like a tongue twister and poem in one. So I’m sorry and you’re welcome. 

🙂

© 2014 Karyn Linnell

Belts

   Mother Streusel

I’m having a dilemma

And need some help please!

If I don’t wear a belt

My pants fall to my knees

And if I wear a belt

It’s so tight I will pop

I can hardly breathe

And I have a muffin top

Mother Streusel

I try to adjust it

To get the belt just right

But every setting seems to be

Too loose or tight

I’ve tried each type of belt

Leather, cloth and plastic

I thought I solved my problem

When I tried elastic

Mother Streusel

Until that belt stretched out

It was quite immodest

My pants fell down at school

And they sent me to the office

The principal looked stern

I didn’t have a chance

I trembled as I stood

Holding tightly to my pants

Mother Streusel

He said, “I have decided

The verdict to be rendered

Is for you to be

Immediately suspendered.”

Love

     Mother Streusel

Mother Streusel

My love for you is like a star

Sparkling and spangled

Like octopus’s tentacles

My heart is all a tangled

Mother Streusel

Mother Streusel

My love for you is like a fruit

Perfectly we’re peared

My love is like a spiderweb

I have been ensnared

Mother Streusel

Mother Streusel

My love is like a sparrow

My heart is always singing

My love is like a monkey

With all the joy I’m flinging

Mother Streusel

My love for you is like a mirror

It makes me see so clearly

My love is like a bulldog’s bite

I hold onto you dearly

Mother Streusel

My love is nothing like an owl

I am not asking hoo

My love is like caller ID

I already know it’s you

Hats

Mother Streusel

I always wear a hat

Each day of the week

Because of all the food that

My hats will let me sneak

Mother Streusel

My top hat at the movies

Can keep popcorn secluded

And porkpie hats are excellent

For all pies, pork included

Mother Streusel

At the bowling alley

My bowler hat hides fries

So I don’t have share them

With any other guys

Mother Streusel

Homburgs hide my hamburgers

Beanies hide my beans

Bananas in my Panama

My green eyeshade’s for greens

Mother Streusel

Akubra to zucchetto

Snacks and feasts and meals

I never have to leave behind

The food my hat conceals

Mother Streusel

While I don’t go hungry

The one downside is that

Folks look at you funny

When you eat out of a hat

© 2014 Karyn Linnell

A Young Man In Love

Mother Streusel

A young man once fell in love

With a woman quite resistant.

She said, “You must prove your love,

And you must be persistent.”

Mother Streusel

He said, “I will prove my love

And show you how I feel.

I’ll do a great number of things

To prove my love is real.

Mother Streusel

I’ll watch a thousand baseball games

And drink soda till I burst.

I’ll stay up playing video games

And eat bacon and bratwurst.

Mother Streusel

I’ll buy a lot of comic books.

I’ll play my bass guitar.

I’ll spend hours at the hardware store

And tinker with my car.

Mother Streusel

I’ll hang out with my buddies.

We’ll grunt and act aggressive.”

She said, “This list you’re giving me

Is really not impressive.

Mother Streusel

I cannot see the effort.

These are things you always do.”

     He said, “It’s different, Darling.

Now I’m doing them for you.”

©2014 Karyn Linnell

Mom’s Chocolate Cake

Mother Streusel

“Mom I’d love some chocolate cake.

I’ve really got a craving”

“Well, you’re in luck. I think I’ve got

Some cake that I’ve been saving.

Mother Streusel

Oops I was mistaken.

It isn’t cake, it’s pie,

Delicious chocolate mousse

With whipped cream piled high.”

Mother Streusel

“I guess that’d be alright.

Pie is also good.

Would you bring it to me please?”

“Why, yes, of course I would.

Mother Streusel

Hmm, seems I was wrong again.

It isn’t chocolate cream.

Turns out it’s banana,

But it tastes just like a dream”

Mother Streusel

“I guess banana pie is fine.

Wait, Mom, there’s some mistake.

This is a banana!”

“Yes, that’s nature’s chocolate cake.”

Mother Streusel 

 

©2014 Karyn Linnell

Beauty

(Here is an extra poem for today.)

I cannot be good-looking

I’m much too tall and thin

I look stringy and string-beany

Said the unfortunate him

I cannot be beautiful

I’m much too short and round

No one likes a pudgy girl

She whimpered and she frowned

No one likes a big man either

They say that I’m scary

People comment on my brow

And say my arms are hairy

No one likes a skinny girl

They tell me I should eat

They joke that I will blow away

And say I have no meat

We all sat in sorrow

Feeling lots of pity

When along came a person

That no one would call pretty

We answered, “ We’re all ugly.”

When she asked us, “What is wrong?”

She said, “That’s all nonsense.

Now, I have to move along.”

We tried to stop her leaving.

“They’ll all make fun of you.”

She laughed and said, “I dare them.

I don’t care if they do.

I love my life whether or not

Folks are nice or mean.”

She had to be the most beautiful

Girl we’d ever seen.

The Scorpion

Mother Streusel The Scorpion

I am a little scorpion

Folks don’t like me much

They scream and run away and yell

“Don’t touch! Don’t touch! Don’t touch!”

Mother Streusel The Scorpion

It’s not my fault I’m poisonous

With a stabby stinger

You know, I also swing dance

And I’m not too bad a singer

Mother Streusel The Scorpion

When it comes to parties

I’m always getting slighted

If they’d try my guacamole

I know I’d get invited

Mother Streusel The Scorpion

So I have an exoskeleton

And creepy pointy feet

Really I’m the nicest guy

You’d ever want to meet

Mother Streusel The Scorpion

True, I’m tricky to predict

And often temperamental

But between fits of anger

I’m often sweet and gentle

Mother Streusel The Scorpion

It’s tough being a scorpion

I feel misunderstood

Why can’t they see that deep inside

I’m truly mostly good

Mother Streusel The Scorpion

© 2014 Karyn Linnell

The Bad Hobbit

Mother Streusel The Bad Hobbit

I know of a bad hobbit

He’s very irritating

He’s always doing something

That people find frustrating

He likes to chew his fingernails

He likes to pick his nose

You’ll notice that the table’s

Always under his elbows

He never wipes his feet

When he comes into a house

And when he chews his dinner

He doesn’t close his mouth

He won’t cover his face

If he needs to cough or sneeze

I’m not sure if he’s ever said

A thank you or a please

He’s often interrupting

He doesn’t listen well

I don’t think that he bathes much

Going by the smell

He makes lots of rude noises

And then acts very proud

He gossips and complains

And always talks too loud

I know of a bad hobbit

I doubt you’d like to know him

There are no books about him

Though someone wrote a poem